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It’s outright manipulative, but that’s not why I would do it. It’s not about your long-term relationship with the person, it’s not about your self-esteem and respecting yourself.

I have been left out and let down a lot in life, so I used to exhibit those behaviors in an attempt to make someone prove how much I meant to them.” — Sandi C. It’s something like, “I need my landlord to let me be behind on rent and let me make it up next week.”he had gone out to dinner with some colleagues and the restaurant they were eating at had a policy of not doing separate checks for groups.

From internet articles labeling people with BPD as “dangerous” life-ruiners to clinicians who flat out refuse to treat patients with BPD, it’s no wonder folks who live with this condition often feel misunderstood and alone in their struggles.

In fact, history of adverse childhood experiences is so common in people diagnosed with BPD that in a study about childhood trauma in cases of BPD, it was found that 81 percent of subjects had childhood abuse in their past — 71 percent reported physical abuse, 68 percent sexual abuse and 62 percent had witnessed severe domestic violence.

When a child grows up in an abusive environment that doesn’t meet his or her normal emotional and physical developmental needs, the child may learn to resort to “crafty” and indirect techniques to get what they need to survive.

But some of the things people with BPD do that are commonly viewed as being “manipulative” (like threatening suicide for example) aren’t actually intended that way at all.

The word “manipulation” implies skillful and malicious intent, but more often than not, these behaviors are usually just desperate, unskilled attempts by someone with BPD to get emotional needs met that were neglected in an abusive or invalidating upbringing.

Unfortunately, these learned behaviors in a child’s formative years can create problems in adulthood when the child finally leaves the harmful environment they grew up in.

In cases of folks with BPD, there may have been such a deficit of validation and support in childhood that the only way they know how to get their emotional needs met is by engaging in unhealthy methods to get their environment to give them what they need. It’s screaming to be understood, it’s screaming to be validated, so you start doing some pretty whacky sh*t in order to get the environment to respond to your brain.

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This is how people in our BPD community explained these five classic BPD behaviors that are commonly mistaken for being “manipulative”: “I ask for reassurance because I worry I’m miscommunicating or misinterpreting someone.

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